Toddlers today are citizens of tomorrow - (Raising & disciplining kids)

Lot of unpleasant incidents pertaining to low self-esteem, low confidence, mistrust and corresponding happenings of crime, leaving parents in old age homes, eve teasing, theft, adultery  etc. etc. are being observed and reported from different parts of world.  These all incidents and happenings clearly indicate that the upbringing of the person who did the crime or had been a victim of low self-esteem, low confidence etc was not proper.

Those people who do these sorts of crime or indulge in such activities are also a part of our society and are someone who is known to us, among us. What is it that firms our roots and doesn’t let us get flown away in flood of bad times and distress? These are our moral values, the way we have been grown up, the thoughts and the character which has been inculcated in us. Why is Socrates great? Why is Vivekananda great? Why is APJ Abdul Kalam great? Certainly for the tasks they did in their respective   fields but yeah one thing is common in them all. At times they showed perseverance, they showed courage and determination. They probably have learnt these traits from experiences of life, from the people they interacted and the way they have been grown up.

We as Parents can’t have more control on the sort of company, sort of experiences our little ones will experience in a journey called life but certainly we can shape them to be better citizens of tomorrow and contribute to make their lives more beautiful, meaningful and our society a better place. So let us begin to shape our toddlers, Feel proud we are about to shape a generation and cultivate peace, harmony whose fruits will be reaped by our entire society and the whole world.

Let us go to very basic and try to understand the behavior of a toddler in order to shape him or her and what steps should be taken by us to discipline them. Certainly there will be lot of untold questions in various minds like, Is it okay to punish a kid? if yes what sort of punishment can be given! Is it fair to punish a 4 year old chap etc etc. If I am not acting strict now, chances are that my kid might get spoiled etc and so on. Have tried to answer various questions and clarify various doubts. If still something remains untold or yet to be discussed, please feel free to contact me or to comment at the end of this blog post.

We can categorize the behavior and traits of kids as per their age

1-Year-Old – One year old baby is curious, energetic, and mobile. Toddlers challenge is to explore environment. At this age, the only strategy is to love your kid. You have to nourish him / her with love.

2-Year-Old - Life is an emotional roller coaster for a toddler at this age. Feelings are experienced by a toddler at this age. The Typical Behavior at this age is what will happen if I do this? What will happen if I do that?

Eg What will happen if I throw the remote of a TV. What will happen if I do not agree wearing a shirt etc

At this age it is natural for your kid to understand that he won’t get everything he wants and he must be having frequent tantrums. The key is that don’t try to give everything to your kid on which a finger is pointed.

Strategies to discipline your kid:

• Use of force has to be avoided. Provide an incentive for cooperation. Incentive can be a ride on shoulder, walk in a field, anything of this sort. Yelling to be avoided completely. Never over-estimate abilities of a toddler. Remember a toddler is mainly working on what if strategy.
• Very shortly almost at age of 2.5 years, your kid will start to develop empathy.
• Handle tantrums with care. Ignore the tantrum and don't give in, but remain close by until it stops. Then direct your child toward positive behavior. One more way by which we can discipline a kid is time out strategy.  Though we shouldn't punish or isolate a 2-year-old with a time-out, we can briefly remove him from a situation to help him calm down.

It becomes now necessary to explain what a time out strategy is?

A Time out strategy is meant to punish your kid for a severe offence he did, if he is too difficult to control. The main purpose is to disengage with kid for a shorter duration of time so that he realizes that the action which was done is not appreciated.  Time duration of a time out process is one minute per year of your child's age. So, a 2-year-old would get two minutes of time-out while a 4-year-old would get four minutes. If you find that the shorter time-outs aren't having the desired effect, increase the length by half the time (so your 4-year-old would get an extra two minutes, for a total of six minutes) Keep track of time with an alarm on your smartphone.

In a Timeout process a kid is to be placed in a room (just ensure that it is safe and that there is no object with which a kid can harm himself or herself). For the time out duration any one has not to respond to child otherwise the very purpose of a time out gets lost.

It also needs to be mentioned that it is at all not necessary for a time out exercise we have to place kid in a room and isolate physically, even a child can be kept in a room with every one and no one should speak to him till time out period is finished but a kid should know what is happening and why time out punishment is being given to him.  The amount of severity of this punishment depends on your judgment of your kid and his offence! Time out strategy should be practiced on kids nearing 3 years of age for a serious offence.

For a time out to be safe, ensure that when you're both in a good mood, show your kid the time out spot and explain what it is: a quiet place where he will go if he doesn't behave and obey certain rules or if he needs to calm down. Choose three to five misbehaviors (like hitting, biting, angry yelling, throwing a tantrum), and be specific about which broken rules will lead to a time-out. Let him know how long he will have to sit during time-out, and explain that when time-out is over -- which is when the timer or alarm rings -- he can get up.

3-Year-Old -Three Year old tries to gain control of emotions.

Try to avoid opportunities for punishment in a tactful manner for example if a three year old child enjoys drawing lines on the wall, he should be given a blackboard, chalk and a duster and asked to draw as many lines as he wants on the black-board. However, if he still continues to write on the wall, he should be punished.

• Kid comprehends the idea of cause and effect -- for instance, that being "naughty" leads to a punishment and that behaving well gets your approval.
• Tantrums can still be common, but a kid may also sulk or whine. He's starting to handle frustration better.

Best Discipline Strategies:

• Help with tasks. Explain a job simply, get your kid started on it, and acknowledge the effort.
• Rehearse good behavior.  Your kid will follow your footsteps. Play games to practice routines. For example, make your kid finish some tasks before a song or count ends. Eg cup of milk till song ends!
• Keep consequences short. A 3-year-old is now mature enough to handle a time-out of about three minutes (one minute per year). Head off trouble by averting frustration early.

4-Year-Old

Your preschooler's social skills are blossoming. His challenge is to balance his needs with those of others.

Typical Behavior:

• He can focus more intently on games and activities. Because of this, making transitions can become especially difficult when he's having fun.
• He may whine more intensely because he's better able to think about what he lacks and what he wants.
• He sometimes bends the truth to fit a private version of reality. He doesn't understand that this -- as well as cheating -- is wrong.

Best Discipline Strategies:

• Allow plenty of time for transitions. Give your child advance notice, and avoid power struggles. For instance, consider granting a polite request to stay a few minutes longer at a play date, if there's no pressing need to leave. If he loses control, explain that the two of you will talk as soon as he can calm himself.
• Ignore whining. Respond as though your child is asking for something in an ordinary voice, and refuse or agree to the request as you normally would. Don't focus on the whining. Otherwise this will develop a negative trait and your little one will conclude that whining can get the unreasonable wishes honored!
• Handle lies and cheating calmly. Such behavior is normal at this age. Don't shame your child or dwell on whether he did or did not do something. For instance, if he spills a glass of milk and denies doing it, say." Then have him help you clean up. He'll feel being understood and less fearful of telling the truth in the future.

5-Year-Old

He grasps concrete consequences. His challenge is to act according to his emerging sense of conscience.

Typical Behavior:

• He's learning to put himself in someone else's shoes.
• A 5-year-old is mature enough to follow rules and do some chores, but he may push the limits to test you.
• He is establishing better -- though far from perfect -- impulse control. Not getting his way may lead to outbursts, door slamming, and even hitting.

Best Discipline Strategies:

• Broaden your child's view. Ask, "How would you like someone to do that to you?" Explain the effect of her behavior on others and the reasons for rules.
• Use limits to emphasize self-control. For instance, set a timer and say, "You have three minutes to stop the fussing or you'll get a time-out."

6- to 7-Year-Old

Your child's world is expanding. His challenge is to handle new social and academic pressures.

Typical Behavior:

• He shows appropriate self-control in school -- cooperating in groups and raising his hand rather than shouting. Generally, he acts out less often.
• He has difficulty waiting for long-term rewards and works best with frequent reinforcement.
• He wants to be treated more maturely because he's learning to handle new responsibilities, but he still needs your help to reach his goals.

Best Discipline Strategies:

• Encourage independent problem-solving skills. Instead of simply correcting him, teach prevention strategies
• Think short-term. If your child keeps his room tidy, don't wait a week to reward him -- provide a small daily incentive to keep him motivated. Your child also needs regular verbal reminders on issues like manners.
• Use praise to reward helpfulness. Have your 6- or 7-year-old help with chores so he can feel good about pitching in. This will build his self-esteem. In general, reinforce good behavior. If you've got to give a consequence, make sure it corresponds to the problem.

8- to 10-Year-Old

He's learning about groups and social behavior. His challenge is to figure out where he fits in.

Typical Behavior:

• He's old enough to follow through on expectations,
• He may swing from being cooperative to being difficult to motivate. He may act to pretend -- sensitive to comments and prone to back talk.
• He understands basic differences between right and wrong and looks to you for guidance and reinforcement.

Best Discipline Strategies:

• Talk it out -- sometimes. If his misbehavior is a type that you've discussed before and that your child knows is wrong, don't give it undue attention. Simply administer the consequence. For new problems, discussion is now a great tool. Talk about what happened and why. Then set an appropriate consequence together (but on your terms), and follow through on it.
• Try more grown-up approaches. Eight- to 10-year-olds respond well to having options. If your child is cutting corners on homework because he's too busy with outside activities, let him pick which ones to drop. He'll learn that life is about making choices and that privileges are earned by good behavior.

Also do note consistency is important for teaching discipline for example when a child climbs up the window by catching the bars, the father may encourage, while the mother may scold him for the same act. The members of the family should not scold one another or pass adverse comments for punishing the child. In Case there is a difference of opinion between parents and other elder members of the family on punishment, they should not interfere when a child is being punished. Any difference in this regard should be sorted out in the child’s absence; otherwise a child will be totally confused about what is right and wrong?

The punishment should be proportional to the undesired act and behavior and executed immediately after the act. Do not threaten the child, “Let the father come in the evening”. After the punishment is over, the incident should be forgotten and the child’s attention diverted to some other topic.

It is important to remember that the aim of punishment is not to give vent to one’s anger on the child and make him suffer physically. Ideally, the need for physical punishment should rarely arise. The intelligent child can easily sense the disapproval of his loving parents and behave himself as he does not want to be in the bad books of his parents. It is the parent’s disapproval and not the smack that hurts.

Parents should not quarrel in front of their children. Small children can immediately sense that the balance of the house is disturbed. It creates a sense of insecurity in their minds.

Till now we learnt how to discipline our little ones, we have stooped down to their level to understand their behavior, accordingly we shaped some strategies. I will now emphasize the need of following qualities which should be taught by Parents to kids for making them good individuals

• Positive Self-Concept & Confidence
• Perceptive Self-Correction
• Powerful Self-Control
• Self-Contentment
• Proficiency in Conflict Resolution
• Parental Closeness

Positive self-concept is nothing but the opinion of a child about himself. This is remarkably influenced by your attitude towards your child. Make him feel special and praise him / her for any good work done (though insignificant it will be). Never call names to a child and never use words like stupid, Dumbo etc.  Coz somewhere in the heart the child might develop a feeling of being a real stupid person. For small success of a child never forget to appreciate and celebrate. You will develop positive self-concept in your kid. Many children with negative self-concept often are seen nervous and when they grow up as individuals, they have fear lack speaking power in public.  Self-confidence is an offshoot of Self-concept, a kid who has good opinion of himself will surely have a high self-confidence. Self-confidence will also be inculcated by challenging a kid with tasks of increasing difficulty levels. With each task achieved, his confidence increases manifold. He should be encouraged and appreciated for each achieved target; this will instill self-concept and confidence in your chap.

Perceptive self-correction should be a trait of every child. It is the perseverance to correct oneself after every mistake done and to learn from that mistake. This habit should be inculcated in kids from the very beginning. This can be done by motivating a child after he or she losses heart at first failure. He should be motivated to keep on trying. The strategy which will work is that you should never give a very hard target to a kid which is too difficult to achieve! A target should be achievable with a small amount of struggle. This way your kid will cherish the success after obtaining a target and also will develop a habit of earning things through hard work. Every mistake teaches some lessons, these lessons are to be learnt and perseverance has to be taught so that when a kid grows as an individual he doesn’t take short cuts and keeps firm on right path. He will continue to be firm on right path, if he has determination and perseverance as a trait in character.

Powerful self-control can be obtained through a calm mind! Meditation, Yoga comes to rescue at this time. It is a must trait which has to be in a successful person. This trait is useful otherwise far in life the child might get tempted towards bad approaches for fulfillment of desires. Greed, anger, lust etc. do creep in absence of self-control. So self-control is the most important trait of a child or a grown up individual. This should be taught by practicing and creating a similar atmosphere at home. Daily 10 minutes of meditation at home will help you to shape your kids life. Also one should take care that it makes no sense to have a fight among family members on any issue and preach self-control to kids in evening. Kids learn from our behavior and we are role models in their subconscious mind. If we practice self-control they will also learn this art!

Self-contentment is must to be taught to kids. They should be taught to be happy and satisfied in their present condition and be happy of it rather than crying for what they don’t have. They need to taught the importance of staying together, laughing together and living together rather than running and emphasizing the need of materialistic things which are not available at home or which are not currently in their reach. The idea is that when they grow up they should learn the value of relations and empathy. Self-contentment will curb the feelings of greed !. This should be taught gradually and care be taken that a kid is not turning to be lazy on the name of contentment.

Conflict resolution should be taught to kids, this will make them more intelligent. They should focus on win-win situation in case of clash rather than only win situation for self. This has to be demonstrated to kids to make them learn. An example of this could be if siblings are fighting for going on a trip, one wants to go for sightseeing and other wants to go for seeing elephants, a place can be chosen where both exist simultaneously. Another example could be one wants to go on a walk and other wants to go to market, Both can mutually choose to go to a market located a slight far off from current location so  that purpose of both can be served.

Closeness to Parents is developed by expressing feelings openly and not keeping these under a cover. It is never late to say to your kid that I love you. Even the youth who are reading this should never miss an opportunity to express and say I love you to your own parents. An atmosphere is warm in a home when love is language. Closeness is developed by having daily communication with your kids. Often it is found that when kids turn above 5 years communication begins to diminish between parents and kid and this goes on diminishing with each passing year. This should be avoided and more and more communication will ensure that your kid gets proper guidance from you at times of need.

Jaise dhal jate hai mitti kisi sanche mai moorat ke liye
Aise tarasho zehen ko apne ek achi seerat ke liye

                                                            Kailash Raina